A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say "We're in love". I believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner..."
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 yrs, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust,ie. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch ?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.
How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There're essentially 2 types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiter! s, bus boy, taxi driver,etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given themeverything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you who can't do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that really counts..
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got this when i cleared my mail box. this sent by one of my friend. i remember i couldn't give him the answer when he asked me to give him comments on this. today still the same.
talked about relationship with sharon today. it's a little bit sad to know that she actually put herself in a difficult situation in a relationship. i'm not saying that there's a 3rd party or anything. everything for her and her bf just so great..staying together.enjoy the cohabit life.they actually willing to commit to each other (according to sharon). however, i can't the happiness in her eyes although she's smiling. i maybe thinking too much. in order to confirm my thought, i asked her "so what if one day you really get married?" she couldn't give me a confirm answer.
she actually enjoy the life with leslie(her bf). everything..only few things that i think they shouldn't wear the ring yet. sigh..she actually still have a dream lover in her mind, about the look, the height, the financial situation and the future. i can only say that this is normal for a gal to dream of the Mr. Right. she thinks that leslie is different from her dream-lover.at least he is consider short to her (i have to admit that for a guy height, leslie is consider short or ard 1.6 or lesser than 1.7; and sharon is 1.63). He doesn't have the "shoulder" that she wants from a man.. i actually find it funny. nothing i should say to this. she knows this something that he can't do. at least, he's quite ok looking. not ugly, i suppose.(he's definitely not my type, baby face). frankly speaking, i think sharon looks more mature than leslie.
when she told me about the future of them. she said he wanna her to be a housewife at home(malaysia) and he be the bread feeder at singapore..this dislike this kind of view on husband and wife. okay, this is not her type too.because she doesn't want to be alone at malaysia even they have children in the future.
she's those can't stand to be apart. few days is her limit. she needs to see the bf almost everyday. so that's the reason they cohabit in the 1st place. this good, i think. but, i still see the insecure part. i can't comment that they don't have the trust or anything. she just thinks that this only way to tight the relationship. this what i don't agree so. this is so hard. Y have to make herself so difficult.
every times i see her, i'll for sure ask her change job immediately. she's at Hotel for 5 years. nothing much from there but tiredness and boredom. she said she'll only change job when leslie wanna change job with her and they can find job in the same company. she said she can't leave him to be alone at the Hotel. she's not sure about the leslie if he'll change; she just worry that she'll change as outside is so colorful. sigh.. i only pity her on this. but, when she asked me so what if jason goes to japan? i shut up my mouth. i do believe in long distance relationship anyway. model reply "don't know. if possible, follow. if not, let him be. i don't want to stay at here too"
friend is getting married this year. this gives sharon the idea of getting married before 25. 3 years relationship with leslie is consider stable and getting mature. marry or not is just the timing problem. she knows that shortcomings of leslie or in this relationship always stop her from thinking about the future. however, she enjoys the stable relationship as she doesn't need to think of anybody else. she can stop herself from being "flirting" or anything.haha..this sound..funny. but i can see the loyalty : )
for me, this not the way for tight tight control. i do agree that closeness between couple is important. it would be great that for regular meet, as often as possible. everyday?think this only happen during the honeymoon or unless cohabit then. everyday see each other, so what?mean anything more than "you wanna see me anytime? okay loh. i've nowhere else to go as you need to see me when you want to.and i'm just here loh"? sigh.. so what the partner is not here? big quarrel, i think. sigh.. why make things so hard? the one which tighten the 2 parties is "the heart". i think so..and i cant see the kind of darling in that kind of tight tight control. i maybe too pessimistic on this. i admit.
what is important too? COMMUNICATION. i was stupid last time as i thought daily phone call to update each other of daily life is a need. this end up like a "must-to-do" to prevent arguement.sigh.. that type of "got anything to say?" "no?" "bye""good nite" communication is meaningless..i feel that "to be frank" is absolutely important to build the trust. and self-confidence..
expectation kills the relationship.. i'm learning not to ask for anything. this sound pessimistic too? sometimes, i still couldn't help to request something. but, what i learn is "you request more, you'll be more disappointed if the things never turn out to be expected" . be frank, i hate this. i blame myself for making things hard for two parties. but it's so hard to learn!!so hard..how to?anyone can teach?
sigh..what i'm doing here to comment on other ppl relationship or talk like an expect??i'm a failure in relationship..sigh..
i'm willing to learn..to become better and more happy me : )
to marriage..long way, i think.. :P
